Josh Freed: Stand on guard towards the Structure Virus!

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WARNING: This column incorporates hazardous Constitutional materials. Could trigger drowsiness and nausea.

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Barely per week after her dying, many individuals are lobbying to make Queen Elizabeth the Final Queen.

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From Jamaica, Antigua and Australia to Quebec and English Canada, there’s speak of throwing off the “shackles of monarchy,” eradicating the Queen’s image from currencies and cancelling all new seasons of The Crown.

To which I say: DON’T! DON’T! DON’T! There lies insanity.

Why my nervousness? To legally finish the monarchy in Canada we should reignite a harmful, explosive substance that’s been hidden away for our security. It’s the Canadian Structure and for these too younger to recollect, right here’s what occurred final time we tried that.

Again within the early Nineteen Eighties, some idiot in Ottawa unearthed a mysterious lead container, buried over a century, in a crypt far beneath the Earth’s crust. The container was manufactured by “Pandora Merchandise,” with light phrases scrawled on it, warning:

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“DANGER! Poisonous Constitutional waste! DO NOT OPEN. There be demons inside.”

Silly people that we’re, we opened the field. Then, like one thing out of a horror movie, it unleashed a lethal alien plague known as the “Structure Virus” — the COVID of politics — which terrorized the land.

The following 15 years have been misplaced in constitutional hell, as we squabbled over obscure phrases like distinct society, the Canada Clause, the amending components, B &B, Triple E, the Meech Lake monster and the Charlottetown Disaccord.

Our nation finally got here inside seconds of fracturing in a 1995 Quebec referendum — and it took years to recuperate. But miraculously, because the early 2000s, we’ve in some way managed to re-bury that lead container deep beneath the bottom and gone again to dwelling peacefully.

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Why relive the horror once more? The truth is, attempting to finish the monarchy could be much more agonizing, since all 10 provinces should agree.

In trade, the western provinces would demand an oil pipeline beneath the complete Trans-Canada freeway, together with the return of the Crow Fee, no matter that’s. The Atlantic provinces would demand Canada return all of the fish it stole, and in addition put the motto “In Cod We Belief” on the loonie.

Quebec would need full powers over our province’s military and navy, though we don’t have both. They might demand French turn out to be the one official nationwide language of love-making, protected by a however clause within the new Structure.

Alberta would threaten to stampede off and associate with Texas, and B.C. be a part of Japan.

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Even when we did in some way get by way of a long time of extra squabbling, we’d face numerous different hassles. With the monarchy gone, there’d be stress to rid Canada of all royal trappings.

With no Queen, why name Ontario’s legislature Queen’s Park? Why a British Columbia, after we’re not linked to Britain?

What concerning the names of Alberta, named after Prince Albert? Or Nova Scotia (New Scotland), or Prince Edward Island?

What number of hundreds of statues must be debated and eliminated, what number of royal museums and live performance halls renamed? We’d want years of research by royal commissions simply to determine whether or not our commissions ought to be known as royal.

The squabbles would go on lengthy after your toddler grandchildren are in seniors’ properties. Who wants it, and what’s to be gained?

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Means again in 1991, I wrote: “Canada is a rustic that works fairly properly in follow even when it doesn’t work in concept,” a phrase Jean Chrétien “borrowed” a few years later with out saying merci.

Nevertheless it nonetheless holds true as we speak. Like most good marriages, our nation works effective so long as we don’t focus on it a lot. However attempting to interrupt up with the monarchy would pressure us to debate it advert nauseam, from sea to whining sea.

In case you don’t wish to be a topic of King Charles III, there’s a better manner than deposing him. That’s ignoring him. I’ve spent my life ignoring the Queen and I barely discover her on our foreign money amidst the caribou, beavers and different wildlife.

This modified briefly after I watched The Crown on TV and was momentarily enchanted by Her Majesty. I assumed the Queen was fabulous  at taking part in herself — her performing was wonderful and really royal.

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The way in which she managed to painting herself as a 21-year-old bride in Season One was a miracle of moxie and make-up.

However because the present ended, I’ve totally ignored her and the Royals once more, together with this previous week — and so are you able to. Everytime you see the phrases “monarchy” or “king,” merely flip the newspaper web page, or change the channel they usually’ll magically vanish into one other kingdom that’s invisible in your day by day life.

But when we unearth the Structure once more, we’ll spend the remainder of our lives speaking concerning the king, as a substitute of forgetting him. It could additionally spell the tip of our nation.

Higher if Charles stays as quiet and invisible as his mom, and we merely overlook he’s there. Devoted royal watchers can nonetheless observe him and his dysfunctional household, in Buckingham Palace’s endless cleaning soap opera. In the meantime the remainder of us can tune out.

A minimum of till the following season of The Crown.

joshfreed49@gmail.com